I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
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But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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