I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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