glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
