I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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