it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
they're like a gay fantastic four
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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