4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
