I want to walk on stilts...naked
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
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