my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
