My underwear smells like fireworks.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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