Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
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Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
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We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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