How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
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