im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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