by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
