just survived the first fart of the relationship.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
