Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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