Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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