At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
