I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
