You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
He uses pillows to masturbate.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Randomize
