just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
