I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
