im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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