those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
