Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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