He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
