update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
