I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
A bitchslap is in order.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
