I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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