Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.