Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.