Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
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Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
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I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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