i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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