some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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