She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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