I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
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I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
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You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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