im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
time to smoke my breakfast
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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