Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Randomize
