Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
