i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
