There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
