My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Randomize
