I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I think my moral compass just broke
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