Buhtt sex?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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