I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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