I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
