can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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