I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Rumble strips road head = magical
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
