Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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