there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
