I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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