Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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