Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
