She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?