Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
they're reeeeeally big trays
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me