I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
