is your mom at the bar?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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